Month: January 2016

I hope you know I want to. I pray you can understand why I feel this way. Why you can’t see me this way. I don’t know why I am this way. Everything happened so quickly. You jumped through hoop after hoop to go. You dotted every “I” crossed every “t” and just when I thought you weren’t…you suddenly were. I had my mind set on ‘this isn’t gonna happen’. Since summer you’ve been trying. And in a matter of one month…it went from no to go. And it was done. I didn’t know when. I didn’t know where. I didn’t know how. I didnt know for what. I would ask questions and get minimal answers. I would ask questions and get back frustration. I would ask questions and just give up. Because I don’t know the right questions. I don’t know what to ask. And history states you get frustrated when I ask questions, too many questions. I don’t have to understand. I am just supposed to accept it and move on.  And I had silence. Nothingness.

Then, you were done working. You spent no time with us. With me. Then you were gone. You’ve been gone for three weeks and next week you are supposed to come home. Four days. What do I tell my kids? Where did you go? Where are you going? I still dont know where you are. What do I tell myself when I’m staring into the mirror, wondering how I will make it through this next year. Except, you see, everyone is saying its not about me. And I’m sure you feel the same. I should get over myself. You are leaving the nest and flying. Away. It’s not about me. You’re growing up. They want to see you. I want to see you. But I’ll lose it. And it’s not fair to you that I can’t keep it together. So I won’t? That may be best. Because it’s not about me. I can’t make it harder for you. Perhaps you will just think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. You will wonder why I cry….so much. Why I can’t talk to you….at all.  Text you….. See you. They tell me it would be best for you and healthiest for me to give you a hug, Tell you I love you, and I’ll be here when you get back. That way I won’t regret not saying anything at all. Just. In. Case. *you don’t come back. . .* but,

…I just can’t. I’m not strong enough for that. To say goodbye with a smile. To tell you through our smiles that we will miss you. Tell you while we embrace that we wish you the best. Tell you, I hope you come back safe. Tell you I will hold down the fort,

…I just can’t.

So please don’t be angry with me. Please don’t hold it against me or yourself. Don’t be sad if I don’t see you off. It breaks my heart. You leaving is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in a plethora of days. I do love you. I will miss you. I can help you from afar. But to see you face to face,

…I just can’t.

I pray to pull the strength I need from God above, Mary at my side, and held upright and standing by all our saintly brothers and sisters around us, a smidge. Just enough to wave. But if that’s all I can muster. Please I pray you will forgive me. Because,

…I tried.

Grace is amazing.  It is God given. And I am blessed enough to have received a drop or two.  I already know that I will create controversy because I am going to talk about things that people choose not to talk about.  We all make choices.  And my choice is to start talking.

I am talking about so many things; I pray that together on this journey, we can learn, together.  From everyday life experiences. mine. yours. from across the ocean…east and west.  But most of all from the Bible, the Church, the Saints.  Heaven above and Hell below.  We can learn and boy is there so much to learn. I don’t claim to know it all.  I pray that like me, you are out there to seek and find.   For no one with a seeking mind and heart and soul gets turned away.  And I don’t mean only from me, either.

Have courage.  Show love.  Be peace.  You are the example.  The choices we make will lead to our futures…but they are our “right now’s”.  Our choices however, joyous or tainted, they are the present…  We choose every day to Love our families, our friends, our children’s teachers and ourselves.  Everyday comes the choice to hate our enemies, the bully from 7th grade who called us “fatty” in 1990, our “exes”, the grocer who didn’t stock our favorite item, the gentleman who seemed to have forgotten where the signal bar is located inside the cab of his very expensive truck, the annoying neighbor, our-yesterday-selves who sat on the couch and didn’t go to they gym or do the dishes. However, just as we choose everyday to love or hate, forgiveness is also an everyday choice.  It isn’t always the easiest choice.  Forgiveness requires you to choose that you are letting go of whatever HURT was caused to you by means of self or one that you love.  If forgiveness was easy, it wouldn’t mean so much to us.  It wouldn’t feel so releasing and complete.  We do it for our own well being.  Not to harbor, or resent, or regret, or be angry. With or without an apology. With or without the offending party knowing sometimes.

I choose everyday to make a conscious decision to forgive and love.  Not for them, but for me, and for my kiddos.  They may die never knowing that I have forgiven them.  But an angry and unforgiving momma, makes for two very unhappy kiddos. And they need the best of me 99% of the time. I would love to say 100% of the time, however, at this present time, this would really be unrealistic.  Everyone of us needs that 1% to go ballistic.  That 1% is our doubt. It is also my “permission” to know that it’s okay because I am not perfect. This is when I forget that I have chosen to forgive and I go back to the state of mind from “before”.  Before we remember, that this forgiveness is for me and us.  And it is what it is…I am okay with that. And again, I choose to forgive.  And I give a 99/1 division for forgiveness to “insanely ballistic”, but really it could completely be switched.  I may only have a 1/99 ratio for forgiveness to “crazy lady”. But all it takes is that ONE percent for me to remember, today is my choice. Regardless of what he is doing; what she is doing, what I am doing…I choose to forgive today. Today, I give my forgiveness and I’m back to homeostasis.

Let go and let God.