I just can’t?

I hope you know I want to. I pray you can understand why I feel this way. Why you can’t see me this way. I don’t know why I am this way. Everything happened so quickly. You jumped through hoop after hoop to go. You dotted every “I” crossed every “t” and just when I thought you weren’t…you suddenly were. I had my mind set on ‘this isn’t gonna happen’. Since summer you’ve been trying. And in a matter of one month…it went from no to go. And it was done. I didn’t know when. I didn’t know where. I didn’t know how. I didnt know for what. I would ask questions and get minimal answers. I would ask questions and get back frustration. I would ask questions and just give up. Because I don’t know the right questions. I don’t know what to ask. And history states you get frustrated when I ask questions, too many questions. I don’t have to understand. I am just supposed to accept it and move on.  And I had silence. Nothingness.

Then, you were done working. You spent no time with us. With me. Then you were gone. You’ve been gone for three weeks and next week you are supposed to come home. Four days. What do I tell my kids? Where did you go? Where are you going? I still dont know where you are. What do I tell myself when I’m staring into the mirror, wondering how I will make it through this next year. Except, you see, everyone is saying its not about me. And I’m sure you feel the same. I should get over myself. You are leaving the nest and flying. Away. It’s not about me. You’re growing up. They want to see you. I want to see you. But I’ll lose it. And it’s not fair to you that I can’t keep it together. So I won’t? That may be best. Because it’s not about me. I can’t make it harder for you. Perhaps you will just think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. You will wonder why I cry….so much. Why I can’t talk to you….at all.  Text you….. See you. They tell me it would be best for you and healthiest for me to give you a hug, Tell you I love you, and I’ll be here when you get back. That way I won’t regret not saying anything at all. Just. In. Case. *you don’t come back. . .* but,

…I just can’t. I’m not strong enough for that. To say goodbye with a smile. To tell you through our smiles that we will miss you. Tell you while we embrace that we wish you the best. Tell you, I hope you come back safe. Tell you I will hold down the fort,

…I just can’t.

So please don’t be angry with me. Please don’t hold it against me or yourself. Don’t be sad if I don’t see you off. It breaks my heart. You leaving is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in a plethora of days. I do love you. I will miss you. I can help you from afar. But to see you face to face,

…I just can’t.

I pray to pull the strength I need from God above, Mary at my side, and held upright and standing by all our saintly brothers and sisters around us, a smidge. Just enough to wave. But if that’s all I can muster. Please I pray you will forgive me. Because,

…I tried.