There are many things that happen for a polar person. And I must say it is often hardest for those who live around us. Swallowed up into our world, can’t live with or without you it seems.
Most recently, I went a way for a few days. It was for a retreat and I was going to help others. My anxiety drove me crazy and Small, i was irritable. It was difficult to keep these emotions and the actions associated with the emotions on the days leading up to the weekend in check. The months and then weeks and finally the days leading up to it were, in fact, full of intense emotion. But not just from me. But from the Smalls as well. I knew it would be hard for all three of us…myself and my two Smalls, but I sucked it up. Or so I thought. Turns out my own anxiety leaked into their lives. My anger became their anger. My agitation, my feelings of desperation for control… All theirs too became mine.
The day I left, small2 began to cry. I looked at her and I said to her…”mommy needs you to be strong” and I compared her need for me to the needs of others for this weekend, “do you know how a few years ago Ms. X helped me?” Small nodded. “Now I’m going to help others like Ms.X helped me”. And she quieted. I’m not quite sure to whom I was speaking. Her. Or me.
Small1 sat strong as steel. Listening…I’m sure of this. Always stronger on the outside, stepping up her game for S2, but was very volatile and crumbing on the inside. S1 would not then let me know there was something wrong on outwardly…but Gods gift to me as the Big was to know this. It was my responsibility to see it when it happens. This time He waited. There was a lesson for me. Small1 has a history of putting herself aside for the big picture and it is sooooo immensely hard to get her to think of herself and her own big picture at times. But I like to think that God gives her an extra large helping if Grace.
Small1 sat silently as I explained to small2 what would be happening the coming weekend and I could see in her eyes the fear in the uncertainty in the unknown that lied ahead. They would be with P. They would be safe. And they were not going to be left alone.
They did was they always do. They adapted. As I drove away, it was the regular routine. They stood at the window and waved. And I waved back. It was like I was being lent out, like a book at the library. Our home was the library and they expected me to return on time. They trusted God as I trusted Him to borrow me for His plan and return me in the same or better condition as when i was checked out. And the late fee would be that of destruction and loss to their fragile minds.
It wouldn’t be until I was almost “there” at the location of my retreat that I would see, for myself, what their big picture was.
Their entire world walked out the door and drove away. They waved to and let the most important person in their earthly world drive away. The person who provided the comfort. Love. Peace. Hope. Meals. Storyteller. Teacher. Driver. Cheerleader. Cuddler. Hair player. Leg rubber. Advice giver. Homework helper. Snack provider. . . Mother. Mom. Momma.
This was His plan. I was taking advantage of the fact that I was coming home. Nothing horrible would happen to me while I was gone and I was coming back. Let’s just count down the days. When in this huge world of unknowns. Nothing is guaranteed. For the Smalls who, right now is their world and right now is reality. Big picture seeking is often not worried about. They do as Jesus taught. Don’t worry about tomorrow because He will take care of it? And…here…their earthly advisor had just left.
And it all changed for me. Before I even got to where i was going, He taught me that in our family, which once had 2 adults, has had only Me for almost six years now. I was their only constant and in the lessons I’ve been teaching that involved looking to the heavens for our Constant, I realized, that it may still be a little too much for their minds to wrap around. After all I only recently got to this point myself! And how selfish of me to do so without their full understanding of what IS above. Who is above. And who I am to those two Smalls. For as it turns out, regardless of how I wish it to be, my world is their world and as it should be….their world is mine.
So the next time I leave. Even if just for a second. The words be strong will not come out of my mouth again. It is not their job to BE strong. Not yet. And not in the way in which I asked. I am their strong.
Smalls, is it hard.
Let me be strong for you.
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