Month: June 2016

I must say this is one of the hardest things to do. Many of us do it, and I’m humbled by a recent experience. The anger I felt inside, to want to take that last “jab”; because that is exactly what it is. A jab. I’ve got your words and I raise you these set of “carefully organized words that I want to shove down your throat”. Until you get called on them. And I sit in wonderment. How did this happen? How did a conversation with my friend, turn into a last word battle?

Anger. Envy. Jealousy. I have no idea. Satan? Probably. Which makes the previous three suggestions very possible and highly likely. Only…there was a Light in this experience. I read the words that jumped off the phone (in the form of a text) attacking me. I began to type a response that was snippy and “carefully organized and planned” and thought…why? The last word battle had ensued…but what was it worth? AND…..these words were through a text. A text?

And reflecting on the emotions I felt inside…I decided no. Not today. This is not who I want to be. In this moment, today, tomorrow. And just as quickly as I wanted to start it….I stopped. The Holy Spirit brought me to realize that regardless of how my friend felt…if she indeed started a “war of words” or not…I didn’t have to participate. I didn’t have to battle. I don’t know if this is how she wanted the conversation to be. I can’t control her….but I an control me. I knew I didn’t want to go there….I don’t want to feel what I felt. And my incessant desire to “clarify” myself had left me. Because no words could make me overcome the feelings I felt as I began to text her back. Those feelings attached to “I’m only trying to clarify” that brought be delving deeper down…when indeed, I want to uplift. Encourage. Be friendly. And love.

This was a conversation between two friends. How “friendly” would my response had been? And suddenly, I realized….it’s not worth it. I can release this conversation lots easier than the anger that would begin the thrive in me all day. Being called on it was definitely the interesting part. It wasn’t Small1 or 2. Or another friend. A parent or even a priest. This came from within. Did I call myself on it? Probably not even that. However, I acted on these “corrective” feelings. It is as simple as delete.

 

I found out a few days ago Small1 has been playing me. Her angry heart has reached point where she thinks it’s fun to make mom mad. She does it on “purpose”. And here I’ve been trying to control it. To be calm. One with Mother Earth, and all the flowers, to find its a field of weeds. “Why?” I asked. Because it was easier to be in control of the anger and be the cause than to go through the day in stillness, silence, nothingness, and wonder if the next word, motion, blink, whatever…was going to light the fuse. And how long will the fuse be this time? No one knows. Small1 doesn’t know…and quite frankly, neither do I. The dynamite explodes. Yelling. “Why did you….” “your behavior is not okay” “go put the ‘electronic device’ on the counter” And it seems through it all, as Small1 tries to control me and my anger….she smothers hers….and we wait to see when that ticking time bomb will explode. It must be hard to be a teenager and coming into your own. And I must say being a mom of a teenager isn’t a cake walk either.

My feelings were hurt to learn this manipulation was occurring. All this time I thought Small1 was helpless. Lost. Didn’t know what to do….how to do it…she needed more guidance and more than I as giving. And it wasn’t until Monday, I discovered she’s been playing me. “I don’t know” crying…frustrated…under her hands. In her room. Running. But am I just the “easy target” she’s getting away from the now…me. but what is causing all of this? I can only imagine.

Small1 is a beautifully, talented  young lady. She is amazing. Being her mom…is…wonderful. But your safe place is crumbling under the forces of an all out attack. And as I try to muddle through ALL of this madness….I pray Small1 can see. I do it all for her (and small2) Everything i do is for them. All of it. I’m committed to them. I wish that was easier to see.

My silence. My just sitting. Being. We should learn together. And I can see it’s going to be a tough road ahead of us.