I found out a few days ago Small1 has been playing me. Her angry heart has reached point where she thinks it’s fun to make mom mad. She does it on “purpose”. And here I’ve been trying to control it. To be calm. One with Mother Earth, and all the flowers, to find its a field of weeds. “Why?” I asked. Because it was easier to be in control of the anger and be the cause than to go through the day in stillness, silence, nothingness, and wonder if the next word, motion, blink, whatever…was going to light the fuse. And how long will the fuse be this time? No one knows. Small1 doesn’t know…and quite frankly, neither do I. The dynamite explodes. Yelling. “Why did you….” “your behavior is not okay” “go put the ‘electronic device’ on the counter” And it seems through it all, as Small1 tries to control me and my anger….she smothers hers….and we wait to see when that ticking time bomb will explode. It must be hard to be a teenager and coming into your own. And I must say being a mom of a teenager isn’t a cake walk either.
My feelings were hurt to learn this manipulation was occurring. All this time I thought Small1 was helpless. Lost. Didn’t know what to do….how to do it…she needed more guidance and more than I as giving. And it wasn’t until Monday, I discovered she’s been playing me. “I don’t know” crying…frustrated…under her hands. In her room. Running. But am I just the “easy target” she’s getting away from the now…me. but what is causing all of this? I can only imagine.
Small1 is a beautifully, talented young lady. She is amazing. Being her mom…is…wonderful. But your safe place is crumbling under the forces of an all out attack. And as I try to muddle through ALL of this madness….I pray Small1 can see. I do it all for her (and small2) Everything i do is for them. All of it. I’m committed to them. I wish that was easier to see.
My silence. My just sitting. Being. We should learn together. And I can see it’s going to be a tough road ahead of us.
polarwithgracedotorg 