Category: Grace

I must say this is one of the hardest things to do. Many of us do it, and I’m humbled by a recent experience. The anger I felt inside, to want to take that last “jab”; because that is exactly what it is. A jab. I’ve got your words and I raise you these set of “carefully organized words that I want to shove down your throat”. Until you get called on them. And I sit in wonderment. How did this happen? How did a conversation with my friend, turn into a last word battle?

Anger. Envy. Jealousy. I have no idea. Satan? Probably. Which makes the previous three suggestions very possible and highly likely. Only…there was a Light in this experience. I read the words that jumped off the phone (in the form of a text) attacking me. I began to type a response that was snippy and “carefully organized and planned” and thought…why? The last word battle had ensued…but what was it worth? AND…..these words were through a text. A text?

And reflecting on the emotions I felt inside…I decided no. Not today. This is not who I want to be. In this moment, today, tomorrow. And just as quickly as I wanted to start it….I stopped. The Holy Spirit brought me to realize that regardless of how my friend felt…if she indeed started a “war of words” or not…I didn’t have to participate. I didn’t have to battle. I don’t know if this is how she wanted the conversation to be. I can’t control her….but I an control me. I knew I didn’t want to go there….I don’t want to feel what I felt. And my incessant desire to “clarify” myself had left me. Because no words could make me overcome the feelings I felt as I began to text her back. Those feelings attached to “I’m only trying to clarify” that brought be delving deeper down…when indeed, I want to uplift. Encourage. Be friendly. And love.

This was a conversation between two friends. How “friendly” would my response had been? And suddenly, I realized….it’s not worth it. I can release this conversation lots easier than the anger that would begin the thrive in me all day. Being called on it was definitely the interesting part. It wasn’t Small1 or 2. Or another friend. A parent or even a priest. This came from within. Did I call myself on it? Probably not even that. However, I acted on these “corrective” feelings. It is as simple as delete.

 

I found out a few days ago Small1 has been playing me. Her angry heart has reached point where she thinks it’s fun to make mom mad. She does it on “purpose”. And here I’ve been trying to control it. To be calm. One with Mother Earth, and all the flowers, to find its a field of weeds. “Why?” I asked. Because it was easier to be in control of the anger and be the cause than to go through the day in stillness, silence, nothingness, and wonder if the next word, motion, blink, whatever…was going to light the fuse. And how long will the fuse be this time? No one knows. Small1 doesn’t know…and quite frankly, neither do I. The dynamite explodes. Yelling. “Why did you….” “your behavior is not okay” “go put the ‘electronic device’ on the counter” And it seems through it all, as Small1 tries to control me and my anger….she smothers hers….and we wait to see when that ticking time bomb will explode. It must be hard to be a teenager and coming into your own. And I must say being a mom of a teenager isn’t a cake walk either.

My feelings were hurt to learn this manipulation was occurring. All this time I thought Small1 was helpless. Lost. Didn’t know what to do….how to do it…she needed more guidance and more than I as giving. And it wasn’t until Monday, I discovered she’s been playing me. “I don’t know” crying…frustrated…under her hands. In her room. Running. But am I just the “easy target” she’s getting away from the now…me. but what is causing all of this? I can only imagine.

Small1 is a beautifully, talented  young lady. She is amazing. Being her mom…is…wonderful. But your safe place is crumbling under the forces of an all out attack. And as I try to muddle through ALL of this madness….I pray Small1 can see. I do it all for her (and small2) Everything i do is for them. All of it. I’m committed to them. I wish that was easier to see.

My silence. My just sitting. Being. We should learn together. And I can see it’s going to be a tough road ahead of us.

There are many things that happen for a polar person. And I must say it is often hardest for those who live around us. Swallowed up into our world, can’t live with or without you it seems.

Most recently, I went a way for a few days. It was for a retreat and I was going to help others. My anxiety drove me crazy and Small, i was irritable. It was difficult to keep these emotions and the actions associated with the emotions on the days leading up to the weekend in check.  The months and then weeks and finally the days leading up to it were, in fact, full of intense emotion. But not just from me. But from the Smalls as well. I knew it would be hard for all three of us…myself and my two Smalls, but I sucked it up. Or so I thought. Turns out my own anxiety leaked into their lives. My anger became their anger. My agitation, my feelings of desperation for control… All theirs too became mine.

The day I left, small2 began to cry. I looked at her and I said to her…”mommy needs you to be strong” and I compared her need for me to the needs of others for this weekend, “do you know how a few years ago Ms. X helped me?” Small nodded. “Now I’m going to help others like Ms.X helped me”. And she quieted. I’m not quite sure to whom I was speaking. Her. Or me.

Small1 sat strong as steel. Listening…I’m sure of this. Always stronger on the outside, stepping up her game for S2, but was very volatile and crumbing on the inside. S1 would not then let me know there was something wrong on outwardly…but Gods gift to me as the Big was to know this. It was my responsibility to see it when it happens. This time He waited. There was a lesson for me. Small1 has a history of putting herself aside for the big picture and it is sooooo immensely hard to get her to think of herself and her own big picture at times. But I like to think that God gives her an extra large helping if Grace.

Small1 sat silently as I explained to small2 what would be happening the coming weekend and I could see in her eyes the fear in the uncertainty in the unknown that lied ahead. They would be with P. They would be safe. And they were not going to be left alone.

They did was they always do. They adapted. As I drove away, it was the regular routine. They stood at the window and waved. And I waved back. It was like I was being lent out, like a book at the library. Our home was the library and they expected me to return on time. They trusted God as I trusted Him to borrow me for His plan and return me in the same or better condition as when i was checked out. And the late fee would be that of destruction and loss to their fragile minds.

It wouldn’t be until I was almost “there” at the location of my retreat that I would see, for myself, what their big picture was.

Their entire world walked out the door and drove away. They waved to and let the most important person in their earthly world drive away. The person who provided the comfort. Love. Peace. Hope. Meals. Storyteller. Teacher. Driver. Cheerleader. Cuddler. Hair player. Leg rubber. Advice giver. Homework helper. Snack provider. . . Mother. Mom. Momma.

This was His plan. I was taking advantage of the fact that I was coming home. Nothing horrible would happen to me while I was gone and I was coming back. Let’s just count down the days. When in this huge world of unknowns. Nothing is guaranteed. For the Smalls who, right now is their world and right now is reality. Big picture seeking is often not worried about. They do as Jesus taught. Don’t worry about tomorrow because He will take care of it? And…here…their earthly advisor had just left.

And it all changed for me. Before I even got to where i was going, He taught me that in our family, which once had 2 adults, has had only Me for almost six years now. I was their only constant and in the lessons I’ve been teaching that involved looking to the heavens for our Constant, I realized, that it may still be a little too much for their minds to wrap around. After all I only recently got to this point myself!  And how selfish of me to do so without their full understanding of what IS above. Who is above. And who I am to those two Smalls. For as it turns out, regardless of how I wish it to be, my world is their world and as it should be….their world is mine.

So the next time I leave. Even if just for a second. The words be strong will not come out of my mouth again. It is not their job to BE strong. Not yet. And not in the way in which I asked. I am their strong.

Smalls, is it hard.

Let me be strong for you.

I hope you know I want to. I pray you can understand why I feel this way. Why you can’t see me this way. I don’t know why I am this way. Everything happened so quickly. You jumped through hoop after hoop to go. You dotted every “I” crossed every “t” and just when I thought you weren’t…you suddenly were. I had my mind set on ‘this isn’t gonna happen’. Since summer you’ve been trying. And in a matter of one month…it went from no to go. And it was done. I didn’t know when. I didn’t know where. I didn’t know how. I didnt know for what. I would ask questions and get minimal answers. I would ask questions and get back frustration. I would ask questions and just give up. Because I don’t know the right questions. I don’t know what to ask. And history states you get frustrated when I ask questions, too many questions. I don’t have to understand. I am just supposed to accept it and move on.  And I had silence. Nothingness.

Then, you were done working. You spent no time with us. With me. Then you were gone. You’ve been gone for three weeks and next week you are supposed to come home. Four days. What do I tell my kids? Where did you go? Where are you going? I still dont know where you are. What do I tell myself when I’m staring into the mirror, wondering how I will make it through this next year. Except, you see, everyone is saying its not about me. And I’m sure you feel the same. I should get over myself. You are leaving the nest and flying. Away. It’s not about me. You’re growing up. They want to see you. I want to see you. But I’ll lose it. And it’s not fair to you that I can’t keep it together. So I won’t? That may be best. Because it’s not about me. I can’t make it harder for you. Perhaps you will just think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. You will wonder why I cry….so much. Why I can’t talk to you….at all.  Text you….. See you. They tell me it would be best for you and healthiest for me to give you a hug, Tell you I love you, and I’ll be here when you get back. That way I won’t regret not saying anything at all. Just. In. Case. *you don’t come back. . .* but,

…I just can’t. I’m not strong enough for that. To say goodbye with a smile. To tell you through our smiles that we will miss you. Tell you while we embrace that we wish you the best. Tell you, I hope you come back safe. Tell you I will hold down the fort,

…I just can’t.

So please don’t be angry with me. Please don’t hold it against me or yourself. Don’t be sad if I don’t see you off. It breaks my heart. You leaving is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in a plethora of days. I do love you. I will miss you. I can help you from afar. But to see you face to face,

…I just can’t.

I pray to pull the strength I need from God above, Mary at my side, and held upright and standing by all our saintly brothers and sisters around us, a smidge. Just enough to wave. But if that’s all I can muster. Please I pray you will forgive me. Because,

…I tried.

Grace is amazing.  It is God given. And I am blessed enough to have received a drop or two.  I already know that I will create controversy because I am going to talk about things that people choose not to talk about.  We all make choices.  And my choice is to start talking.

I am talking about so many things; I pray that together on this journey, we can learn, together.  From everyday life experiences. mine. yours. from across the ocean…east and west.  But most of all from the Bible, the Church, the Saints.  Heaven above and Hell below.  We can learn and boy is there so much to learn. I don’t claim to know it all.  I pray that like me, you are out there to seek and find.   For no one with a seeking mind and heart and soul gets turned away.  And I don’t mean only from me, either.

Have courage.  Show love.  Be peace.  You are the example.  The choices we make will lead to our futures…but they are our “right now’s”.  Our choices however, joyous or tainted, they are the present…  We choose every day to Love our families, our friends, our children’s teachers and ourselves.  Everyday comes the choice to hate our enemies, the bully from 7th grade who called us “fatty” in 1990, our “exes”, the grocer who didn’t stock our favorite item, the gentleman who seemed to have forgotten where the signal bar is located inside the cab of his very expensive truck, the annoying neighbor, our-yesterday-selves who sat on the couch and didn’t go to they gym or do the dishes. However, just as we choose everyday to love or hate, forgiveness is also an everyday choice.  It isn’t always the easiest choice.  Forgiveness requires you to choose that you are letting go of whatever HURT was caused to you by means of self or one that you love.  If forgiveness was easy, it wouldn’t mean so much to us.  It wouldn’t feel so releasing and complete.  We do it for our own well being.  Not to harbor, or resent, or regret, or be angry. With or without an apology. With or without the offending party knowing sometimes.

I choose everyday to make a conscious decision to forgive and love.  Not for them, but for me, and for my kiddos.  They may die never knowing that I have forgiven them.  But an angry and unforgiving momma, makes for two very unhappy kiddos. And they need the best of me 99% of the time. I would love to say 100% of the time, however, at this present time, this would really be unrealistic.  Everyone of us needs that 1% to go ballistic.  That 1% is our doubt. It is also my “permission” to know that it’s okay because I am not perfect. This is when I forget that I have chosen to forgive and I go back to the state of mind from “before”.  Before we remember, that this forgiveness is for me and us.  And it is what it is…I am okay with that. And again, I choose to forgive.  And I give a 99/1 division for forgiveness to “insanely ballistic”, but really it could completely be switched.  I may only have a 1/99 ratio for forgiveness to “crazy lady”. But all it takes is that ONE percent for me to remember, today is my choice. Regardless of what he is doing; what she is doing, what I am doing…I choose to forgive today. Today, I give my forgiveness and I’m back to homeostasis.

Let go and let God.